Creating Quality Time - Part 2

Just before the weekend; some techniques to start meaningful conversations with our children

So you've cleared your calendar, got a snack, and told your child about the upcoming time together. Now what? How can you make that time meaningful in establishing communication and understanding?

We've all had this happen to us; our kid gets into the car as you pick them up from school. You greet them with a huge smile and ask, "So honey, how was your day?". You expect a detailed description of their adventures in school, joys, disappointments, thoughts, and feelings. But instead, your child answers: "O.K, fun." No matter how much you push and probe, you keep getting monosyllable answers.

Starting a meaningful conversation takes practice and some basic techniques. Here are some tips to help you have a dialogue.

1. Start a simple conversation using focused 'how' questions: your 'how' questions need to be focused and steer your child's mind toward specific moments of their day. When you ask a general question (How was your day?), you will get a general answer (O.K., fun.). Focused 'how' questions can be 'How was  recess today?', 'What did you do then?', 'How did you like playing ___?', 'How did you like reading in class today?'.

If your child tells you about something that upset them, express empathy ('I can imagine how hurtful that was') and talk about their reactions and feeling. Avoid judgment and criticism! You are there to listen at this point.

2. Share your day: this is a dialogue. Tell your child about your day in a way that they can understand and process (age and maturity). Use short, focused sentences about 1-2 things from your day.

Share the good and the bad. It is O.K. and even necessary to show your child you have challenges too, and how you deal with them. "I had a big presentation at work, and I worked really hard on it, so I was very nervous. My tummy hurt, and my heart was racing, so I took a deep breath and thought about the ocean. I gave my presentation, and it was O.K." This kind of story models how you handle your anxiety, stress, and possible failure.

3. Center quality time around a fun activity: go to the backyard and play soccer, jump rope, go hiking, anything that you can enjoy together. This will keep your child engaged at the moment and anticipating next time.

4. Express your feelings: tell your child you enjoyed spending time with them. Tell them they shared exciting things with you (name the details; What you told me about Johnny was so interesting/funny/smart). Thank your child for sharing their world with you.

Follow up on what you talked about; ask your child follow up questions the next day; "How was hide-and-seek today?", "How did Sarah play today?", "How did you feel during storytime today?".

5. Repeat: clear your calendar for the next date today; plan what you want to do, when, for how long, and make sure to share with your child.

Creating quality time and establishing nurturing, meaningful communication takes time and practice. It's how we drive change and lay a foundation for the growth we want to see in our family.

So use this weekend to start practicing! And don't forget to have fun with your child!