Creating Quality Time - Part 1
Why do we need quality time and how do we make it?
Kids often have difficulties expressing their frustration and feelings. For kids with ADHD and emotional regulation deficits, it is even harder to manage levels of frustration and how they express it. When your child finished last in reading, math, and science today when the teacher scolded him again for talking and he did not win any prize in class - he is frustrated. Not because of any one event, but because his life is a struggle to be understood. Add emotional dysregulation and you get a child that talks back to the teacher, yells at you when you ask him to do his homework, and retreats into video games.
The other side of this is us, the parents. When our child keeps forgetting her lunch box at home, we get upset. Why? yes, we need to drive and we worry about her nutrition, but what underlies it? We may fear she forget other more important things like homework and friends. If this is true, how will she be responsible in college to handle her nutrition, assignment, and social life? How will she get a job, be in a relationship?
These are examples that may differ in intensity, place, and circumstance, but all have something in common; underlying untreated uncommunicated struggles. The first step into understanding and helping our child is to talk to him… simple enough. But is it really that simple?
Constructive communication starts with trust. We will not share our difficulties with someone we do not trust, nor will our children. Communication is a skill that we as parents need to develop and it starts with getting our kids to trust us, to feel they can discuss their struggles and concerns with us. just as we need to feel we can discuss OUR concerns about their present and future with them. In order for trust to build, we need to spend quality time together.
Quality time starts with allocating time. We are all very busy, working, shopping, cooking, worrying, taking care of family members, maintaining relationships, and when in our busy days do we just spend time with our kids?
Here are a few tips for allocating time, the next blog will be about how we turn it into quality time.
Clear 20 minutes a day - open your calendar. Yes, OPEN IT. and clear 20 minutes every day for the next 10 days. Write: kids time.
Let your child know - no need for surprises and it expresses your commitment. Let them know that you made time to be with them tomorrow at 5. You will have 20 minutes. What will they want to do?
On the day, make sure you and your child are not hungry, thirsty, or preoccupied. If you just had an argument with your boss or your child is upset, maybe reconsider or adjust the time so you are both mentally and emotionally available.
Step into your child’s world - this is a trust-building step. Play a game they like, do chores together.
Put away all screens and distractions - you cannot have your phone with you. For 20 minutes a day put it aside.
Starts conversation on the mundane level; did you learn a new game at school? How do you like soccer, why? This will often lead to talking about things that upset them or make them happy.
Make sure to follow my next blog on how to make time into quality time.
Go make time,
Michal